At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
