I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
