So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
