this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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