my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
