I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
