Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
