HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize