she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
