You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Randomize
