There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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