I just cut my nipple shaving
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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