every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
