Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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