i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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