In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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