thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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