god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
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