I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
