i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
