I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
