then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
