my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
