Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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