All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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