So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
