One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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