She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
When did angry sex become our thing?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
