is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize