I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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