oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
