from now on my penis is your penis
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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