Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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