WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
