Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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