I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
