Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
