Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
