I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
