found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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