i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
