White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
