My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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