these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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