3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
