Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
