I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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