I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
