I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Boobs speak an international language.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
