You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
