It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize