even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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