at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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