i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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