Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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