The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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