I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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