I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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