I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
