look no pants
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
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