On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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