Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
