Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize