the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Randomize
