so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
