His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Randomize
