The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
