They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
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