At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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