I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
