The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
