I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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