You smell like a Billy Joel song
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I didn't notice because vodka
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
