You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
