when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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